China to Purchase US National Parks
WASHINGTON — On Tuesday the People’s Republic of China unveiled a $12 trillion bid for all United States national parks. Congress is currently considering the proposition.
Sources in Congress say that the bid was not a surprise. China has been eying the parks for some time because of their tremendous commercial value and the resources they contain. US officials say that the economy sorely needs the boost that this purchase would give.
“This is not a question that we can just sit around and debate at leisure,” said Dennis Kucinich (D-OH). “It is urgent. The economy is the top issue on voters’ minds, and I think it’s time we did something about it.”
Speaking in a press conference earlier today, President Bush called China’s proposal an “unexpected windfall” and “a transaction that would show the world who’s boss.”
When asked whether China could be trusted to manage US parks fairly, he answered: “This transaction is the greatest victory that privatization has seen in a century. Some people ask—they say that China might not respect the parks. That’s later. We’ll deal with that another day. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in the future so we can be prosperous now.”
When pressed for more details, he moved to the next question. But sources say that Republicans are eager to boost the economy any way they can before the 2008 elections.
The deal apparently has bi-partisan support. On the Democrat side, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) stated that Congress had been looking for a way to stave off recession after economists said the stimulus package would prove inadequate.
“We need money in this economy now, or people will stop spending,” she said in an interview. “The credit crisis means that ordinary Americans can’t buy everything they want to, and so businesses and people in general are going to suffer. The stimulus package is not enough. We need more cash now.”
Catching the spirit, her aide rejoined, “Borrow from tomorrow so we can play today.” Pelosi nodded.
On a more conservative note, the CATO institute has announced its support of selling the parks, in an article on its website. Jerry Brooks, Senior fellow at the CATO institute, said that this deal would represent “a great boon to America.”
“People are always complaining about the trade deficit,” he wrote. “They don’t realize that it’s not a trade deficit at all; it’s an investment surplus. Not only would this transaction show the world that our country supports private property and decreased governmental regulation, it would be the most daring and innovative investment move of our time, a colossal victory for free markets.”
Only Representative Tom Tancredo (R-CO) seemed opposed to the measure. “First we spend ourselves into oblivion, and now we sell our soul to the devil,” he exclaimed in a telephone interview.
Asked whether he meant that the national parks are America’s soul, he yelled “That’s not the point! What I’m saying—I mean, China’s the Devil!”
But he calmed down after a moment, and retracted his assertion. “Actually, it would help pay off our national debt,” he admitted. “Not that it’s good, but it would help our debt.”
White House aides say that the President is planning a televised speech for tomorrow night, “to put at rest unwarranted fears.”
Meanwhile, leaders of both parties have issued statements that if the deal works out, congress and citizens should be sure the profits are spent quickly. “You don’t help the economy by hoarding money. You help it by spending it as fast as you can take it out of your pockets,” said an anonymous official.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Oh my…
March 25th, 2008 at 4:28 am
I should have said, my point was to protest the new stimulus package.
March 26th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Just curious, Where what are your sources? Could you send me a link?
March 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Sure. Check out this Washington Times article, this New York Times article, and this commentary from my favorite magazine, The Economist. USA Today also ran a good editorial on the event.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:18 am
I am sorry matthew, But none of the links are any good. Now I don’t want to say it but. . .
March 27th, 2008 at 6:17 am
…but there’s an Orwellian conspiracy in our midst. I know. The government and newspapers have banded together to change history, because they don’t want us to know that this deal was ever considered.
Oh well.
March 30th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Bother. We still have Area 53. . . .and the militia.
April 1st, 2008 at 7:58 pm
That’s weird. Why would the U.S. even consider doing such a thing…? I’m doubting your sources. You’re usually so well-researched….
Well it was nice to see you at RMC, no matter what China is doing/not doing to our national parks! Update soon.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Yes, um, update…
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Lol, that last comment (purportedly from Allegra) was me. Sorry.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:21 am
Well, I’m going to have to ban you from ever commenting again. Bye bye.
April 5th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
This one really is from Allegra…
I only saw you during Parker’s and Mark’s debate at RMC. Did you judge the rest of the day? Were you at the awards ceremony? It was good to see you anyhow.
I second Lydia’s idea of updating. Now that I, sluggard that I am, have updated, you must follow suit.
April 6th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Yes, I’m working on it… It was good to see you there too. I was at awards ceremony, but in the back.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Why would China want to pay $12 TRILLION to manage parks
that only return about $250 million per year? What is the
tremendous commercial value of America’s national parks?
April 7th, 2008 at 3:31 am
Hi Anne, thanks for stopping by. You’re overlooking something: it is the US government that makes about $250m/year on the parks. China, however, could charge enormous rates to historical sites, open the forests to logging, and use the abundance of soil, minerals, and natural gas in the parks. That’s the benefit of not having a conscience.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Hi, Matthew.
Do you know the exact issue of the Economist and the dates of the NYT, Washington Times, and USA Today you referenced about the national parks story? I want to get backordered hard copies.
Thanks!!!!
Emmit
May 29th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Emmit, I’m afraid that those articles don’t exist. I made up the parks story to satirize Congress’s economic stimulus package. Even if giving money to consumers did any good, borrowing from our future is no way to be prosperous.
October 18th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Maybe we should start thinking of this country, we would be idiots to let China have our national parks
March 6th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I am pretty late getting in on this thread, wish I had found it when it was current. I am attaching a website that should work which sheds a little light on this subject because it starts way back in 1972 (http://www.nationalcenter.org/NPA341.html) when all of our National Parks/Monuments, etc were handed over to the UN. Fast forward to May, 2008 when I spent one week at the So. rim of the Grand Canyon and was told by a Ranger at the Visitor’s Center that China would be taking over the Grand Canyon in 2009. As I remember he did not know if other parks were being taken over or if it was just the Grand Canyon. It made me so mad that I got on the internet and found the above document. In the past week H. Clinton went to China with the guarantee of Eminent Domain to China to continue purchasing our debt, in other words collateral on the money they are spending. They are going to own us lock stock and penny loafers and this conspiracy theory of yours may have more truth to it than you had imagined. Think about it, China has a problem and its land mass, not enough of it for their population. They are polluting themselves right out of their own country. China has always felt that the US belonged to them, that the American Indians were in fact Chinese immigrants that found the US before Columbus.
May 23rd, 2010 at 6:39 am
I just stumbled across this blog post, and Matthew is indeed a S*ITHEAD. Why waste the time to “make up” stories and tell people they are true, and then recant; “I made up the parks story to satirize Congress’s economic stimulus package.” You are a CAD and a scoundrel, and you should get a job in the current administration!
May 23rd, 2010 at 11:49 am
Haha Thomas, your comment made my day. I don’t know if you’re serious or not—either you’re funny for being too dense to appreciate satire, or you’re funny for being so brilliant you can satirize satire itself. Whichever it is, thanks for the laugh.